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Why I am doing this

Hi I am Athena I have debated starting a blog for years. I have done online journaling on social media sites for almost 2 decades but never felt like I had the gumption to open a true blog. Today as I lay awake due to severe pain, I decided today will be the day I start. What will my blog be about? It will be about me, my life, and my mental health. I have a severe case of Borderline Personality Disorder, with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and issues with Anxiety. I have been in and out of treatment for 12 years. Every day I face a different battle within myself, that may cause me to become difficult to handle, and even violent in many ways. I never intentionally or plan on hurting anyone, but it happens as I overreact to situations quite abruptly. Borderline causes me to feel all my emotions very deeply so over time I as a poor coping method I attempted to suppress emotions I didn’t like, because of this these emotions just bottle up, then o
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Personal Boundaries? (Posted on September 2, 2019)

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Boundaries are an issue if you struggle with BPD. You basically have none. You can ruin yourself to please another, and ruin another in an attempt to save yourself in the same day, all due to not understanding your own boundaries or sticking to them I took a communications course back in 08 and during it, the topic I struggled the most on understanding was personal boundaries. I understood the concept of others having limitations towards others, and one needing the ability to respect this, but I had not difficultly expressing my limits to other’s so they could respect my boundaries. I always act like I had none. In this  article  from positivepsychology.com. It talks all about Boundaries as well. Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being. With out a set of boundaries for yourself you will lose yourself, and with out understanding other’s boundaries you will push them away. We n
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Having a Care Giver, and a Supporter. (Posted on August 31, 2019)

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I have Dan, and he is there, even when I convince my self I don’t want him to be there. I relate to the whole cast, but the part starting at 29:50 about him being described as a caregiver, yet needing to care for himself, and her reaction is very relatable to me and Dan. I became very I’ll during the end of my last pregnancy with our son. I had preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. I could hardly walk without my blood pressure rising and doing the most basic daily deeds was nearly impossible. It resulted in an emergency C-section, and my aftercare in the hospital was hell too. He and the parents we had selected to adopt our son were more helpful than the nurses half the time. With my BPD and the newly developed postpartum depression, I became even more of a mess with the chronic pain from healing from a hard pregnancy and surgery. I made Dan’s life literal hell. I hurt him physically when all he wanted to do was help me. There were times cops were involved because I would sc
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BPD and Splitting (Posted on August 30, 2019)

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This is something I recently learned about myself and my BPD. It is what has done the most damage to my self and the ones I care most about. I give props to Kati for making this video explaining that it’s not just about the anger outwards but inwards most of all. The biggest factor in BPD is self-loathing, shame, and guilt that is never-ending and hidden when a person, specifically in this case myself splits, we project the anger we feel towards ourselves onto the person we sudden perceived as the bad guy relieving us of the blame, or other negative inward emotions. Getting Personal Very recently with me dealing with being quite ill I have been splitting toward my boyfriend and haven’t been speaking with him, pushing him away, because he is trying to “get me out of my head” and when I attempt to apologize it doesn’t go as planned and I “spin out” so I am becoming avoidant. He will read this. Recently he sent me this to remind me about how I am when I am not “spinning o
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Who am I now? (Posted on August 30, 2019)

A question I am having trouble answering to myself, as I have been spending all day recuperating from my hospital stay and my tonsil infection, working on this blog. Trying to brand myself without labeling myself is the hardest thing I can do. WHO AM I WITHOUT LABELS?! CBT has been teaching me to focus on my values, my goals, and my small victories. That is much harder than it sounds. Making this blog has been a throwback to my youth. The days spent on scene kid sites creating layouts and graphics, loving every moment. This is my modern grown-up version of that. I can and will find my identity, not my label during this process. I am a designer, an artist, a social media profile. Those are my labels. My values are my art and design skills, my social networking skills, and my love for bringing people together. My goals are to hone in on those skills and to make 8 year old me feel completed and validated. My small victories are that I am actually making the effort to make my dreams
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My Body the Hell it Puts Me Through and Some Positive Messages.(post from Aug 29)

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So I have been chronically ill my whole life. I get infections easily, I have chronic inflammation, respiratory issues, etc… The last 4 months my ears, nose and throat have been trying to kill me with infection. I have had rhinosinusitis, which is the medical term for my sinus being inflamed and infected all summer long, it’s in my ears and now in my tonsils that, should have been removed when I was 7. A couple months ago after getting a tooth removed was when things got complicated, because I have massively long roots, and this being my front tooth, it left a hole in my infected sinus! The infection caused dry socket. For those of you that don’t know, dry socket is when the gums don’t heal fast enough leaving a hole and the bone exposed, and because of my rhinosinusitis and the new hole in my sinus leading into my jaw bone, it all got infected badly. During this my sinuses are trying to kill me with post nasal drip into my lungs and giving me bacterial bronchitis. NOW TO MAKE MAT
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